


Drowning but I’m silent

by yo_yo_yo_party_people



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorders, George thinks they hate him but they don’t, M/M, More tags to be added, Mutual Pining, No Lesbians Die, Possible smut, References to Depression, Sad, Self-Harm, Swearing, That has nothing to do with the story but god damn that tag is so funny, They aren’t total shitbags they are just dull, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, but like George doesn’t realize that, i think, obviously, um that’s it so far
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29165049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yo_yo_yo_party_people/pseuds/yo_yo_yo_party_people
Summary: George is sure they don’t mean to leave him out. George is sure that it’s not their fault they can’t seem him drowning in his own misery, but god why does no one seem to care. Why does no one seem to notice him fading.Or George is depressed and no one seems to realize
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Karl Jacobs & Sapnap, Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF) - Relationship, Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs & Sapnap, georgenotfound - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [me myself and I bitch](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=me+myself+and+I+bitch).



> Hey so this is only my second work so bear with me lol. I kinda get unmotivated and rush things so sorry if I don’t finish it and/or it sucks :)) 
> 
> The story should only be in George’s POV/ third person POV but if it’s changes I’ll put it at the beginning of the chapter !!

Third person POV for rn   
It happened slowly at first, they forgot to invite him to one get together but it’s fine cause they’re allowed to hang out without him every once and a while. Then it was more get-togethers, and forgetting to drive him home when he asked for a ride or when they forgot to save him a seat at lunch.  
George wanted to believe it was just accidents, but they’ve all been best friends since kindergarten, you don’t just forget things like that. It hurt, like really fucking hurt, but he had to accept it. Had to take what little attention they’d give him and be grateful for it. It was his fault anyways, people don’t start hating you for no reason. He just wanted to know what the fuck he did to make them act like this. 

——————————————————————————  
The next day !! 

Walking into school George hated the sinking feeling he felt when he saw Dream, Sapnap, and Karl all crowded by Dreams locker. That happened to be right next to his, shit. He didn’t know if he could handle their dismissive looks and the way he felt so unwanted when he’s around them. When he walked up to them they were talking among themselves,   
“okay so Dream you drive Karl cause he can’t drive for shit-“   
“fuck you sap yes I can!” Karl interrupted,  
“and then when we all get to my house we will leave around 4:30 so we can be sure to get there right around 5, sound good?” Sapnap finished. George stepped right up to his locker and asked,   
“Be where right around 5?”,   
“Oh we’re going to the movies, you can come if you want but I don’t think you’d like it” Dream said at least attempting to look a little apologetic. George wasn’t usually a very sensitive person, it took a bit to make him tear up. Yet lately everything has been making him very emotional, and he wanted to run and hide when he felt tears pricking at his eyes. He felt even more embarrassed when Dreams eyes widened and he looked helplessly at Sapnap and Karl,   
“Wait George don’t cry! You can come if you want-“ he said, but George was already closing his locker and rushing to his first hour.   
“It’s okay, r-really I have tons of homework anyways!” He tried to reassure them, cringing when his voice cracked.   
Once he was safely in his class, he sat on the way back and pulled his hood up. For once thankful he didn’t really know anyone in this class. He sat back, not focusing on his math teacher and thought about his whole friend situation. They had been fine, more than fine, great. Well up till George had gone to Britain for a couple of months, then when he came back everything had shifted out of place. George was born in Britain, but he was very young when his parents divorced and his mom moved to America while his dad stayed in Britain. He’d visit his dad for a month every once and a while occasionally spending a couple of months there and doing school online. Every time that happened though it was never a problem with any of the guys, but this last trip something changed.   
It started with them not answering his FaceTime calls as much, and then never answering his text. Never once did they text in their group chat they had and George knew that they must’ve created a second group chat without him, and even if it’s just a small stupid thing it still hurt.   
When he came back he was expecting some big over exaggerated celebration at his house when he pulled in that they’ve been doing ever since they were in 4th grade, but no one was there when he pulled up. His mom was out ah work, so he walked into his house alone and texted their group chat.   
Gogy: hey guys i just got back home !! 

Pandas: shit that was today?! Totally forgot sorry man !! 

Dreamie <3: yah sorry, we are all at Karl’s if u wanna come over? 

Gogy: um I’m actually really tired, jet lag and all that. Maybe another time? 

Pandas: sure okay 

He didn’t really know why he didn’t just accept but he had a slight suspicion that he’d feel unwelcome anyways. So he went up in his room, pulling his blinds closed so it was dark. He layed in his bed and tried to ignore the tears slipping down his cheeks.   
*Flash back over* 

His teacher asking a question startled him out of his thoughts, and he tried to pay attention for the rest of class.   
When the bell rang he got up and collected his stuff, walking out the door with a foolish hope in his chest that Dream would be there to walk him to his next class like he used to always do. He wasn’t outside the door, and George saw him down the hallway walking with some blonde girl. He tried not to feel jealous, he had no right Dream wasn’t even his. He wanted him to be, it felt like he has had a crush on him forever. When he was young he didn’t really understand his feelings, all he knew was that he liked Dream in a different way then the way he liked Karl and Sapnap.   
When the day was over and he was walking to his car Karl ran up to him,   
“Hey, we missed you at lunch” he said, stopping in front of George.   
“Oh yah, I had a lot of homework so i was in the library” George suspected Karl knew that was a lie but he didn’t push it,   
“Ok sure, um i was talking to the guys and we decided we were gonna skip the movie and just hang at saps house..so will you please come?” He asked, making exaggerated puppy dogs eyes. George forced a smile,   
“sure, see you at 5?” he asked, already getting into his car.   
“Yah! Great, see you then gogy”, Karl yelled as he started walking towards Dreams car.  
George was tired, he seemed to be that way a lot nowadays. Through the sleepless nights staring at his ceiling, fighting to stay awake just to feel something might have something to do with that. He didn’t really want to go, knowing it was going to be awkward since they haven’t hung out in a while all together, but he needed to go if he wanted to try and mend their friendship.  
So he got in his car driving towards Sapnaps house, hoping that he could get his friends back and maybe get rid of this numb feeling enclosed in his chest.


	2. Its standing on the edge of a mountain top Screaming anything he wants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *this chapter is going to be flashbacks from George’s POV of him slowly realizing something is wrong with him mentally*
> 
> Lol not me projecting my shitty life on to some innocent man :)

George couldn’t pinpoint when it had started exactly, it has all seemed to blur together at this point. Maybe it was when he couldn’t sleep at night, staring up at his ceiling, tears streaming down his face because he felt useless and worthless.  
Maybe it was when the tears stopped coming, and numbness replaced his feelings. Sometimes he can’t tell if he misses when his body would let him cry, if only it is a reminder that he’s capable of feeling something. Even if it’s just pain.  
It got worse over time, and if anyone took a second to look at him, really look at him they would see. Dark circles prominent under his eyes, how his clothes that once fit nicely hung off his body do to the loss of weight.  
George has never really liked his body, never knowing what was really wrong with it, just knowing he didn’t like it.  
He sometimes had a moment of clarity in his mind when he dismissed all of his meals claiming,  
“I’m just not hungry”, but he knew that wasn’t true. He just convinced himself he wasn’t hungry.  
Maybe he knew it was getting really bad when he started cutting, sobbing on his bathroom floor when Dream canceled another one of their hangouts. With everything building up he could feel himself start to close off, his mind and body escaping into nothingness to help him cope. So he grabbed the razor from his shave kit his dad had gotten him for his birthday, and the next thing he knew he was on the floor, cuts littering his wrist. He continued to sob as he bandaged his arms, and set out a sweatshirt for tomorrow despite knowing it was going to be 70°f.  
George knows it isn’t just a single person's fault for his downfall, it’s because of multiple people through the years. He’s never wanted to blame his best friends, knowing he'd probably still be like this even if they didn’t leave him out, but he knows that if they’d pay more attention to him and actually cared a little more, he wouldn’t be as bad as he is now.  
He had never been thankful for something as insignificant as his school allowing online school whenever needed (I’m aware no schools do this but this is a made up world in a fanfic, what did you expect?), but when it got so bad he couldn't even get out of bed, it was nice to have that as a resource. When he felt absolutely dead inside he considered just ending it all right then and there, because he already felt dead, why not make it a reality? He never did though, try to kill himself. He likes to think it’s because he’s getting better, that he’s able to talk himself out of these dark thoughts. He knows that’s not true though, he’s a coward. That’s why he’s never done it, he’s fucking scared of what’s to come. What if it’s worse? What if those nasty Christians who spread more hate than good are right about god, that he’s some homophobic asshole who will send you to hell the second he sees you. What if he has to spend eternity in hell paying for something he can’t even control, something that’s as natural and normal as a straight relationship? So he always puts the pills down, digs the razor in a little less sharp, or unties the noose.  
Putting all the blame on his friends would be unfair and untrue. Because maybe it’s his parents divorce that’s got him all fucked up and the fact that he rarely gets to see his dad and despite fucking living with her he rarely gets to see his mom cause she’s always off working, or drinking her miserable life away at bars. Sometimes she’ll be gone for days at a time, leaving George to fend for himself. He never told his friends about his problems with his mom, or I guess his problems at all. He’d just ask one of them to drive him for the days she was missing, claiming his mom was just too busy with work. When he finally got his car his mom took that as an opportunity to leave for longer, knowing if he needed something he could drive to get it.  
The only good thing, if you could even call it a good thing, was the fact that he got a shit ton of guilt money from his parents. Money was never a problem for his parents, both of them hard working and always having earned lods of money. So an easy tell for when he knew his mom was going to be gone for a few days was when he’d randomly get a few thousand dollars added to his bank account.  
Money can’t buy back a good mental state though. You can’t pay for depression to go away, but you can sure try. He’d tried therapy, tried so much fucking therapy but none of it stuck. Sure he’d feel a little bit better for a day or two after a session, but then his restless thoughts would come rushing back.  
When he was diagnosed with depression they immediately put him on meds, calling his mom for the okay. His mom didn’t care said,  
“Sure whatever will fix it” and hung up on them.  
So he started medication, and hated how it made him feel but kept using it because he needed to be fixed. He couldn’t keep feeling like this, whatever the fuck this was.  
So yah, everything is pretty fucked up. He has severe depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. And no matter how many pills he takes, how many therapy sessions he goes to where they tell him it will all get better, it doesn’t. Because don’t be fooled. This is not going to be some fairytale happy ending, at least not for a while. No random prince showing him love and affection is going to cure everything that’s wrong  
with him. Though, maybe Dream showing him a bit of affection wouldn’t hurt. Fuck who is he kidding. 

*flashback scene thingy over* 

When he felt the tears start to stream down his face as he drove home from school, he almost smiled. Something other than numbness, something other than nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is chapter two !! Chapter three will be going back to following the story line of him going to hang out with all of the boys
> 
> Each chapter is going to be lyrics from sad songs so the book title is from Changes by Hayd and this chapters title is from I exist I exist I exist by Flatsound


End file.
